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26 August 2004 @ 03:17 pm
Discussion Topics 9, 2 and 4  
Look, I know where your home offices are.  If you bastards go under before I accumulate enough money and pharmaceuticals to stage my own desperate Super Toy Run...9. I was on a shopping spree earlier this week, and found myself in a couple different Toys R Us branches closest to their Wayne headquarters. I knew they were having some trouble. But Sweet Jesus, I know the NJ TRU stores have never been quite as tidy and well-stocked as some of their midwestern palaces... these stores looked and felt like Kay-Bee Toys. Modern-day Kay-Bees, where they don't even try to pretend that they're anything but a sleazy dumping ground for failed movie tie-ins and obscenely overpriced evergreens. I understand that TRU has probably taken a hit from all the other outlets whipping them in the video game market; that they were fools to ever try to compete in the video/DVD and computer game markets; even that the action figure market has moved beyond profitability with its slew of 'chase' figurines, grossly disproportionate case collations, and the migration of the serious collectors to "comic" shops that make more money off the latest Direct Market Exclusive Battle Damaged Iron Man Mini-Mate variation than off Iron Man's actual comic book. But shit, aren't kids still buying Barbies and Legos and Chuters and Ladders?

Yes, but turns out they're buying them at Wal-Mart. And I don't blame them. The 1990s Time Capsule edition of Trivial Pursuit is about five dollars less at Wal-Mart. It's still about ten dollars too much for me to buy it, but when my resolve is weakened, I know I will be heading to Wal-Mart. Speaking of God's Finest Board Game, one upside to the crumbling TRU empire is that they're chock-a-block with clearance items. I resisted the Spider-Man lawn sprinker, but couldn't resist a $2.49 copy of In Pursuit, a game that somehow managed to combine two brilliant concepts -- Trivial Pursuit and backstabbing your friends -- and alchemically transmute them into a piece of crap. It's as if someone sauted onions and garlic together and produced petrochemical waste. I would mock them further, except I'm the one that just bought it.

2. Seriously, it was very difficult to get ice cube trays in Brooklyn. The only place that appeared to be selling ice cube trays was a Dollar Store on the Lower East Side. All these new-fangled refrigerators with the ice makers and the crispers and the flatscreen televisions are killing the ice cube tray industry! Although innovation still thrives in the embattled market. If only we had been more patient about cooling our drinks, we might have been able to do so with Tex-Ice!

DON'T MELT WITH TEXAS!

My life is one of deep regret.

4. I can't begin to describe the feelings I felt while watching Kane and Lita get married this past Monday on Raw. My interest in wrestling has dipped far enough that I haven't been even watching the episodes saved on Tivo, much less making any sort of Monday/Thursday evening plans around the shows, as I did during that Millenial heyday of Sports Entertainment. But I happened to be home on Monday, and decided to watch the show live, for the first time in ages. I was not disappointed!

I won't waste your time on the months of batshit insane plot points that led to the marriage. Simply know that Kane won a "Winner Marries Lita" match at Summerslam, and that for reasons unexplained Lita is now forced to marry him against her will. Oh, and apparently Lita is pregnant with Kane's child, or as he likes to say, "his legacy of evil". But come on, does this looks like the sort of man who would plant his seed of evil in an unwilling bride?



Okay, maybe it does. The wedding was completely idiotic in all the right ways: creepy midget ringbearer, creepy midget flower girl, everyone's entrance themes performed by a string quartet. Eric Bischoff (also in all white) came out to read a fake Bible verse from a fake book of the Bible. The maid of honor strutted out in lingerie to call the bride a filthy slut, resulting in a cat-fight. The groom prepared a ridiculously creepy video package to precede the vows, set to "She's Having My Baby".

There's no murder. There's no attempted murder... There's no rape, there's no robbery.  We're sensitive to what we do and when we do it. So how bad are we? Compared to everything else, we're Sunday school! - Vince McMahon

And the VOWS! I can't even do them justice, save to say the content of both was amazing -- nearly as amazing as the fact that Lita was incapable of memorizing her vows, or even properly reading the cue cards she pulled out. That's how badly she does not want to marry Kane!

So when the inevitable run-in from Matt Hardy came, his attempts to run off with the would-be bride were thwarted by a motherfucking Wall of FLAME!!! Holy crap, imagine if Mrs. Robinson had Kane's mystical powers! "ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!" And then Benjamin Braddock runs right into a motherfucking Wall of FLAME!!! Wow! I hope they start doing that in the stage version!
 
 
 
cheeserock on August 26th, 2004 12:49 pm (UTC)
tes ice!

i get my ice cube trays at the thrift store.

how is brooklyn? email me yr address.